When my youngest son had his jabs, I was delirious with excitement that I could take him for the first time to our local swimming baths.

Trunks and armbands on I set off.  I also had a large bag with; towels, nappies, a bottle, spare clothes, etc.   (You know what it is like)

Once in the changing rooms, after fiddling around in a cubicle, you couldn’t swing a cat around in  I emerged to the lockers.

I could under no circumstances fit all of my bags etc. into one locker, so this meant I had to have two.  Manipulating my son, I managed to get everything into the two lockers and clip the pins onto my swimming costume. Phew.

At this baths, there is a baby pool and an adult pool.  The baby pool has steps going down, and the height of the water is chest height; it is also warmer.  So not rocket science we went in the baby pool, which was packed with families.

As I walked into the pool area, I felt everyone staring me, being vain I was conscious of my post-baby weight.  I speeded up, to get in the water… down the steps we went.  By now more people were looking at me, and I mean looking at me.

I waded into the middle of the pool, and by now my son was getting heavier and heavier, so I swopped him to my other arm.  I then realised I still had something on the arm which had been carrying him.  It was my handbag!!

Now fully emerged in water, I lifted it out, and water flowed from every corner. My purse, chequebook, photos, everything in it was wet through.  Also, I now knew why everyone was looking at me, they must have thought I had the crown jewels in it.

I quickly departed the baths, and we went home, it was several weeks before I ventured back.

On one of our flights during this vacation, my husband and I had 2 seats in a row of 4. My husband was sat next to a woman, who didn’t utter one word throughout the journey. She didn’t even go to the loo, and it was a 7 hour flight

She passed the time watching films with her earphones in.

As we were getting closer to landing, my husband settled back and removed his earphones, and I decided to tidy up (a first).

I removed the earphone plug in his seat and began to roll up the wire… sadly, they were still attached to the women’s head at the side of my husband.  I had removed hers instead of my husband’s, and she wasn’t best pleased.

Then we arrived at Bangkok airport, and I was shattered.  Ever since being a child in assembly at school, I have never been able to stand for more than 10 mins without wanting to pass out (low blood pressure).  Heaven knows how people stand in pubs for hours on end, anyway, we were stood in a holding area waiting to be called through to board.

There were no seats, and hundreds of us were herded like cattle into a pen.  I told my husband (to his horror) that I would have to sit on the floor.  He gave me that look…. why can’t you be normal and stay standing like everyone else.

I sat on the cold marble floor, trying to be elegant and discreet (for his sake).  I got sat down and then all of a sudden there was this tremendous noise. I had knocked over a large metal fire extinguisher which promptly rolled across the marble floor to about 3 feet away.  The noise was deafening.

Everyone looked, and my husband looked the other way!

I had to try and get up to recover the fire extinguisher, my legs were numb, and I couldn’t walk properly.  It was horrendous!

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I went to the pub with husband and sister, wearing my jeans and navy crossover bag.

In the pub, while they were at the bar, I put my hand in my bag to get my phone.  I felt a squashy plastic bag and wondered what it was.

Pulling it out and I realised it was a poo bag with poo in, from 3 days ago when I had walked the dogs, using the same crossover bag.   I couldn’t find a bin…..

Can’t believe
a. I put it in my bag
b. I didn’t remember.
The bag had been hung in my bedroom, and I had been looking for the horrendous smell

I phoned to arrange an appointment with a family; it went like this….

Woman answers call
me   ‘hello, is Doug there?’
woman ‘no, nobody here is called Doug’
me ‘are you sure’  (stupid bloody question)
woman ‘yes, we don’t have a Doug here.’
Luckily I asked her the next question… ‘do you know a Mrs xxx’  (a person connected with the call)

The woman replies ‘yes I am her daughter.’

On my booking sheet, I had abbreviated the word ‘daughter’ in large scrawly letters, which looked like Doug  (Daug).